Idioms... Minus the Violence

Reimagining classic English idioms to be quirky and non-violent

Eat your own dog food

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Dab the formula

When quality control becomes care and protection.This idiom is courtesy of Microsoft, circa 1988. A manager suggested that employees 'eat their own dog food' (ie: use the software they were making) inside the company as proof that it was viable before launching to clients.Dogfooding has since become a reliable (if rather mentally yucky) way to ensure that products or softwares work in real world circumstances. But why are we comparing our products that we want customers to love and buy to a can of processed meat?I propose an equally common action that is far more warm and nurturing: dab the formula. When bottle-feeding an infant, it's often recommended to dab a little of the heated milk on the inside of the feeder's wrist to make sure it's not too hot for the baby.I considered taking a dose of our own medicine, but that's still too narrow - not everyone is ill or needs medicine, and it kinda smacks of Big Pharma. I also considered the role of cupbearer, but that's preventing someone from poison. Violence again.And so we find ourselves instead offering the care and protection of a parent who pays attention to their child's comfort as well as their nourishment.

Hit by a bus
Fall off a cliff

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Go poof
Win the lottery

I really thought this was a Mean Girls reference.The bus factor is a framework that measures risk in a project based on how many people hold irreplaceable knowledge or access. It seems to be used most commonly in software development. Simply put, the higher the bus factor, the safer your project is; the lower the bus factor, the more at-risk your project is. (The odds of one person getting hit by a bus are higher than the odds of 10 people all getting hit by buses. Or the same bus.)This phrase is a young one, originating in 1907 in Joseph Conrad's novel The Secret Agent where the author alludes to getting hit by a bus as a generic yet highly possible catastrophe. "But just try to understand that it was a pure accident; as much an accident as if he had been run over by a ‘bus while crossing the street."Many thanks to Juliette Joseph for LOLing when I switched it to "Go poof" in a meeting. And to Richard Kugblenu for offering "win the lottery" as an alternative. (His point being, if you won the lottery tomorrow, you wouldn't go back to work or do any of your normal routine, would you?!)

Bite the bullet

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Bite the baguette
Bite the mullet

French bread can be pretty toasty!A lot of theories point to the American Civil War (1861-1865) for the origin of this phrase. Allegedly, wounded soldiers would bite down on a bullet to endure the pain of field surgery without anesthesia.Some folks point even earlier to 1857 when there was an uprising in India against the British. The phrase 'chew the bullet' was commonly used based on the way bullets needed to be prepared before shooting.But there's scant recorded evidence until 1891 when one of Rudyard Kipling's characters in 'The Light That Failed' encourages another character to 'bite on the bullet.'Any way you chew on it, I'd rather sink my teeth into a baguette. Or if you're a glutton for punishment (and perfect rhyme), then I guess you could also chomp on a big old mouthful of the mullet.

Break a leg

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Break an egg

Note: This idiom replacement is orchestra conductor approved.Traditionally wishing someone well indirectly or even inversely was a superstitious way to keep them from harm. By saying the awful thing out loud, maybe it wouldn't happen.Most closely associated with the theater, 'break a leg' is only as recent as the 1920s. And some records indicate it started in horse racing.Musicians and dancers also use merde (that's French for shit) to wish each other well before going on-stage.We (the conductor and I) like the egg replacement because it preserves the sound of the original so closely. And many of us break eggs regularly, so who says you can't eat this one after it's cracked? No harm, no fowl!

More than one way to skin a cat

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More than one way to pet a cat

What would you even do with a cat's skin?A variant of this phrase was first recorded in 1678. John Ray, a member of the Royal Society wrote a little book, dramatically titled 'A collection of English proverbs digested into a convenient method for the speedy finding any one upon occasion; with short annotations. Whereunto are added local proverbs with their explications, old proverbial rhythmes, less known or exotick proverbial sentences, and Scottish proverbs.'In this booklet, Ray uses the idiom 'more ways to kill a dog than hanging' and notes that the more popular version at that time was 'more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream.' Apparently, other methods of torture for both animals involved butter and pudding.In 1840, American humorist Seba Smith used 'skin a cat.' And in 1889, Mark Twain brought the phrase into the public eye for good with a mention in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.

Kill two birds with one stone

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Feed two birds with one scone

Replacing violence with nurture and yummy pastries.The origins of this phrase are rather unclear. Japanese, Chinese, and English have nearly identical versions of this idiom, but which came first is unknown.Some language geeks attribute the idea to the myth of Daedalus and Icarus, but none of the Greek writers actually explain where/how Daedalus acquired feathers for his wings.The most certain record is from 1656 in a letter from Dr. John Bramhall to Thomas Hobbes. The phrase seems to have been adapted from 'stop two gaps with one bush'. Which is also a nonviolent alternative, if somewhat less delightful.Hat-tip to Kody Farnsworth for introducing this one to me way back when.